My Recovered Memories Journal
I feel like for the most part I have dealt with and received healing for the abuse that I remember. I suspect that I have represses memories because there are some years of my childhood that I can't remember anything about. I also have memories of being abused but what I remember cuts off right in the middle of the abuse. There are other things that cause me to suspect that I have repressed memories.
I used to want to get them out in the open and dealt with. I think I wanted to put all the abuse in a box and get it taken care of once and for all. I am learning that God does not work that way very often. He brought me to the place where I am at peace with not knowing what happened because I know that He does.
He used a portion of Corrie ten Booms book, The Hiding Place to settle my heart. In this section as a young girl, Corrie was on a train trip with her father. She just asked him about a term she heard but did not know the meaning of. "Father, what is sexsin?' He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor. 'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. 'It's to heavy' I said. 'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge; some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."
In one of the counseling courses I took the professor explained that repressed memories are like toxic waste that was buried in a hole then filled with dirt. They put concrete over the site and built a house on top of it. He said that eventually the toxic waste would leak out.
I suspect that some of that waste is beginning to leak in my mind. Recently I have had some flashbacks of things I can't make any sense of. I suspect God wants to get rid of some of that gunk. I suspect that that junk is what is behind a lot of the struggles that I am having right now. I know there is some fear in my heart of what will come out when it does eventually come out. I also feel like I have a peace that The Lord will be with me and help me through whatever happens.
6-30-03
Over the past few months some repressed memories have been coming back. They are confusing and they don't make sense. I know it is normal to wonder if it is just your immagination when they start to come back. If I didn't know that I'd probably just shrug them off thinking that I'd just been dwelling on the abuse to much.
I asked God what I should do about them. He assured me of two things. The first is that no matter what comes out it will not change my relationship with Him. He will be with me through it all. He is the one I am leaning on so I will be o.k. The second thing is that it is ok for me to put those pictures aside in my mind till more come and they make more sense. The memories are like snap shots but I can't remember being in any of those places or situations. So for now I have turned those pictures sideways so I don't have to keep looking at them and put them to the side of my mind till later.
At this point in my life I am at peace. I have joy and contentment. I know that the Lord will continue to bring things up. He usually does every few months but I also know He will help me through them. Life has become an adventure.
